| Author | Topic | | AnonJr
Absent-minded Webmaster
USA
621 Posts |  Posted - 18 Aug 2006 : 17:10:46 
| My grandmother sends me these "Heavenly Humor" clippings from her church's newsletter. Thought I'd share a few with you. 
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A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in Church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A faith healer asked a man how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," the man said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."
"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He thinks he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into the same man on the street. "How's your uncle getting along?" he asked.
The man shrugged, "He thinks he's dead."
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A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope.
After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"
The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."
The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."
"And what is the bad news?" asks the man.
"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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Hope you enjoyed these.  |
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers |
| AXEMAN2415
Guitar Weenie
USA
740 Posts | Posted - 18 Aug 2006 : 20:26:34
| | Stick to code, my dear Anon.... |
"C'mon Dave, Gimme a break!" |  |
| AnonJr
Absent-minded Webmaster
USA
621 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 08:23:41
| Maybe you would prefer some real-life humor? How about this gem from David Lee Roth:
"DLR Band means Dave, Lowery, and Ray. I named it that because it sounds more like a band than David Lee Roth, which just sounds like a person. When you hear David Lee Roth - you think of a person. When you hear DLR Band - you think of a band. Just like when you hear Eddie Van Halen you think of a person, and when you hear Van Halen - you think of David Lee Roth!"
Or this one:
"A banker will take a guitar and play three notes on it. A rock star will take a guitar and throw it across the room."
One more:
"When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's."
Well, those were the ones in keeping with the "clean humor" theme...  |
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers | |
| AnonJr
Absent-minded Webmaster
USA
621 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 08:29:46
| I guess I should add that I got my David Lee Roth Quotes from here:
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/David_Lee_Roth
Be warned, not all are appropriate for all audiences...  |
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers | |
| AXEMAN2415
Guitar Weenie
USA
740 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 12:01:34
| I like this one...
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it."
Modern day prophet? You be the Judge...
JUST KIDDING FOLKS! It's called sarcasm! Get a life! No...Get a New Life! |
"C'mon Dave, Gimme a break!" | |
| AnonJr
Absent-minded Webmaster
USA
621 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 13:49:16
| | Some of the Zappa quotes are rather good... though some of his are also rather biased against religion. =/ |
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers | |
| AXEMAN2415
Guitar Weenie
USA
740 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 17:07:51
| | Gee, ya think?.... |
"C'mon Dave, Gimme a break!" | |
| AnonJr
Absent-minded Webmaster
USA
621 Posts | Posted - 19 Aug 2006 : 17:12:39
| Of course, I do like some of his remarks about music's ability to influence...
"There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something we'd all love one another."
"I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?" Senate Hearing on Porn Rock (1985) in response to Tipper Gore's allegations that music incites people towards deviant behavior, or influences their behavior in general (he is referring to his song "Montana").
Edit: Guess I should have added the link... http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Frank_Zappa |
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers | |
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